Runaway Riptide

Mon. Aug 1st

BIRTHDAY BLUES

Bonjour Grann,

I'm sorry. His birthday comes but once a year. But I'm never ready. Not anymore. The pain is unbearable. And I just want to escape. But there's nothing I can do to change truth. K.J.'s always been a part of my life, and he's gone.

I'm sorry you didn't hear from me. I'm just exhausted and sleeping too much. But I'm tired all the time, and I need to sleep, Grann.

Grann you were there when my brother was born, almost two years from the day I was born. What you didn't know was I considered him my twin because the closeness we felt. Since his birth, we've been best friends.

I don't admit his passing; I'm not even sure the day, I wasn't made aware; and I don't want to remember that day. I know my brother's birthday, the day before mine. I never forget to remember. That's a sad day now, but I'm learning to celebrate all the joy we shared. K.J. was the best part of my childhood.

I'll never understand how much he suffered from radiotherapy, but I saw the sickness in his eyes. And how he pulled himself up the stairs, with a genuine, but labored smile, and an expression of great gratitude for the time we had together. For being a child, he knew the truth of his own looming end.

If only I could have understood how real his illness was; but then, I wouldn't be able to handle it. He had no choice but to handle it and suffer. I didn't appreciate my time with K.J. as much as I should have.

Now I try to hide from the pain, Grann. And even though there isn't a day I don't think about my brother, I don't dwell on the memories. The pain is too real. His birthday is too real; but I celebrate because my love will always be greater than the pain.

Nothing will change the life and love we had together.

I hope to dream of K.J. tonight. I will cherish every moment. Sleep well, Grann.